Who’s calling the shots?

This question comes up one way or another in every relationship, whether in a casual discussion, in the heat of an argument or in a therapeutic session. Quite often couples can’t agree on the answer, with one partner feeling and complaining that it’s the other who’s always – or most of the times – making the final decisions. False or true, the question is: how do they arrive at such a conclusion?

As in the most of discussions, we want to be right, even if the outcome doesn’t sound favourable to us. Being right is not just about showing our superiority to the opponent. I believe that more than anything we want to prove our power to ourselves. We want to compensate for all the earliest experiences of being a helpless, powerless child, totally dependent on the parents or caretakers. Every time we prove our case it feels like a win: we’ve made up for a bit of that initial injustice! However, the opposite might be true. By striving to be right, we actually reinforce the belief that we have to fight for justice. So really, we are still hostages to the original belief that we are powerless. A powerful person needs to prove nothing.

Humans have a selective memory, or rather a creative way to retrieve memories selectively. The mind will pick and choose the bits of memory that fits our case better. So if we believe we’ve had no say over some situations or decisions, we can easily find the proofs. Additionally, an emotional imprint of negative experiences of being ignored or dismissed is stronger than that of the times when we’ve been heard. So we “forget” the later. After all, being heard is normal, so why pay attention to it, right?

It may appear as one person is always in charge. Sometimes it is a genuine tyrant, but then the question is why are you with that person? More often, though, one partner is voicing their opinions and expressing their needs more readily and openly. The other one has chosen to exercise their power in a covert way by manipulation, passive-aggressive behaviour, distancing, and so on. This person often looks like a victim and the other is the “bad guy”.

So, while the question “who’s calling the shots?” has some merit, the more important one is “how come?”

Saying “no” to decision making is an important – albeit not always conscious – decision itself. It may look like giving up your power and inviting more pain into your life. But there could be some benefits you are after: escaping responsibility, protecting your comfort zone, avoiding risks, earning the title of a martyr, or appearing to be a “good boy” or a “good girl”.

If your feel like a victim, ask yourself what is your contribution to this image and what is the payoff? Also, are you really ready to call the shots?
By Josef Sadowski