Most of the couples who come to see me for therapy talk about improving their communication. They feel that they are unable to talk to each other freely, to address the most pressing problems, they feel unheard, they feel dismissed by the partner. Quite often they talk about “walking on eggshells” around each other out of fear of “rocking the boat” or upsetting the other one and causing even more problems.
Usually, when we start to dig deeper, one prevalent issue emerges: the basic emotional needs of the partners not being met.
People get into an intimate relationship for different reasons. Or, at least, they name them differently. In the end, however, everybody talks about the same. People want to feel safe, needed, appreciated, respected, supported. If they don’t, they start questioning the purpose of being in a relationship, as it honestly doesn’t make sense anymore.
Nobody decides to find an intimate partner to feel lonely, scared, intimidated, or ignored. And yet, quite often this is exactly where some end up after a few years into a marriage. They wonder what happened, they think there is something wrong with them or with the partner, they start “the blaming game”, they grow farther and farther apart. Sometimes they start believing that they are in the wrong marriage with the wrong person and look for ways to get out. Once they are out, they want to be in a relationship again. They find another “perfect person” and… here we go again. The same problems emerge.
We have different expectations and dreams about our intimate relationships. It all depends on what we learned about love and family in the past; what our family of origin looked like. Whether we want it or not our first experience with closeness, intimacy, love expression, will structure our view on how our intimate relationship should look like. Our relationship with parents or primary caregivers teaches us not only who we are, but also what we can expect and what we deserve from our future partners.
Those expectations might be completely different for you and for your spouse. If you were raised in a family that was openly expressing emotions, was physically affectionate, and able to talk about pretty much everything, this is what you will expect from your partner. But it might not be something that your partner feels natural and comfortable with. If they come from a more reserved background, with many rules and restrictions, he/she may look cold and confusing to you. You may see their reservation as a lack of interest or even doubt their love for you.
The problems start when we don’t communicate clearly to one another what is going on.
We assume we know (“they don’t love me anymore”, “they are annoyed with me”) and respond accordingly to our assumptions, which might be completely wrong, of course. That is, after all, the problem with assumptions, they are usually wrong.
The communication piece might sound absolutely obvious, but, unfortunately, quite often it is not. We usually don’t communicate clearly to our loved ones what we need, what is important for us, what we really want in a relationship.
We think they should know. “If they only loved me enough they would have guessed, understood, seen”. We know how a relationship should look like and what it means to love someone. We learned it so early in life that we don’t even remember learning. We find it obvious, normal, standard: everybody knows what love is, how you express love. It doesn’t even cross our mind that, in fact, it’s not so obvious to everyone. That our “normal” might not be “normal” for others.
There is one more twist to this all. The differences between you and your partner might look quite interesting and attractive at the beginning of a relationship.
Isn’t it the time when everything is attractive anyway? We are drawn to our differences the same way we are drawn to a new or unknown.
Unfortunately, the same characteristics are not so appealing anymore when the initial infatuation passes and we have to live with them for years. What was cute and charming becomes annoying and unbearable with time.
So, here you are. Your basic emotional needs of being close physically, cuddled, listened to, and understood are not met. You feel hurt, rejected, not loved. You pull away. Your partner doesn’t understand what is going on. He/she fulfills their emotional needs differently. They show their love differently. By organizing a fabulous outing, for example, or buying an expensive gift, by complementing you in front of others, in a long, intellectual discussion with you about the purpose of life.
She/he doesn’t understand that you don’t need all of this; you just need a hug and being listened to when you had a really tough day at work. They also feel hurt and confused because you don’t appreciate their effort, you are bitter for no reason (in their mind), or complain about something they haven’t even noticed doing (or not doing).
When your emotional needs are not met, you shut down, you pull away, you are emotionally unavailable for your partner.
Emotional unavailability damages relationships.
Don’t let it happen. Talk to your partner; tell them about your thoughts, feelings, likes and dislikes. Do it before the problems and misunderstandings begin. Don’t leave your partner and yourself to your imagination and assumption. Don’t let your thoughts go wild. Quite often your imagination is much more dramatic than reality. Don’t wait for your partner to guess what you need, what you like, what they are missing. Don’t say: “if they loved me enough, they would have known”. When you don’t talk, you build a wall between you and your spouse.
Every time when you don’t take the time and care to speak up, when you don’t want to bother, when you don’t want to “rock the boat”, you add another brick in the wall.
People change with time. Your partner of 25 years might be different at 50 years of age from a person you have met long ago. You might be different. The priorities change with time. People evolve or forget the ideals of their youth. Maybe, the expectations change as well.
We need to talk about it, adjust, reset. We cannot run on automatic pilot and think that everything will be as well as before.
Well, we can, but this only adds more bricks in the wall.
By Eva Sadowski Photo: iStock
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