It’s November, the months that could be quite challenging for most of us in the best of times because of the darkness, severe weather, cold, flu season, seasonal depression, approaching religious and cultural holidays like Hanukkah, Christmas, New Years. It might be especially taxing this year because of the pandemic, social distancing and isolation.
If you live alone, you may feel overwhelmed with everything that has been going on this year, with lack of companions, inability to share your fears, joy or anxiety with another person, inability to go out and socialize with fellow humans. Especially if you also work from home and have no chance to even talk to anybody else all day long.
If you live with your partner or family you may feel “too much of a good thing”. The constant presence of someone else, the constant talking, interacting, bumping into each other, listening to their issues and immediate needs may be as frustrating as the lack of it.
Quite recently CTV News published an article indicating that:
“Canada’s courts could see a surge in divorce proceedings once COVID-19 restrictions are lifted, according to family lawyers.
Toronto law firm Nussbaum Family Law said it is experiencing a 20 per cent increase in inquiries from people looking to split from their spouses than before the novel coronavirus outbreak, and one of its lawyers predicts that Canada’s divorce rate will soar after the health crisis.
“There will definitely be an increase in divorce, and an increase in separation,” senior family lawyer Barry Nussbaum said in a phone interview on Wednesday. “We’re following the similar lines of Italy and China where COVID hit first, and they’re already showing statistics of increasing separation.”
It is not surprising at all. We know well that any kind of stress can escalate problems that are normally much easier to manage and navigate. Also, because of the decrease in social interactions outside of our household, we have no outlet for frustration, no support, no possibility of change in near future. It could feel like a chronic “cabin fever” with no end on the horizon.
And yet you may hear from your lonely friends that you are lucky to have someone around all the time. That you should be grateful and happy. It doesn’t help the situation; it can make you question your sanity, your love for your partner, your own feelings.
As you can see from the quote above, you are not alone. The big number of people have been feeling the same this year. It is quite normal to feel frustrated or angry in an abnormal situation. It is quite normal to blame others for your frustration or anger. Especially those who are around all the time and have the ability to evoke big emotional responses in you.
We tend to see shortcomings in others much clearer than in ourselves. We not only see the shortcomings, we immediately assume that we know what they mean and why the person in question behaves the specific way. We know that “they don’t love me anymore”, “don’t respect me”, “don’t want to be with me anymore”.
Sometimes we might be right. Most of the time, we are not.
According to don Miguel Ruiz, the author of “The Four Agreements”, “assumptions are nothing more than lies that we are telling ourselves”.
Every time you make assumptions you create a drama in your head, a drama that has nothing to do with the reality.
It is always important to do your “reality check” and confront your assumptions. Before you know for sure what is going on in your partner’s head, check with them first, ask questions, clarify. It is especially important now, when the stress level is much higher and quite often we cannot even go out and let the steam out by talking to a trusted friend, exercising in a gym, or watching a good concert.
We are constantly in each other’s face, we share the space, the frustration, the remote control for a TV or a playstation. We don’t do things for fun anymore. We are together at all times because we have to, not because we choose.
There are things we can still do, even in the most difficult situations. We can request time off. Even if you live in one bedroom apartment, you can have a hot bath in a locked bathroom. You can agree on who is in charge of the TV or a playstation remote control on specific days, you can set some rules around who is cooking and who is grocery shopping and when.
If you are overwhelmed with a constant companion, even those little moments of solitude can give some relief.
You can agree that once a week you are talking about “difficult stuff”, and “things that went well”. You can have 5 min of complaining and whining once a week when everything goes and there are no rules on whinny behaviour. You can have silent times, hours, even days when no words are allowed at all. You can have party days when you eat and drink your favourites, dance, sing or play games. Be creative. I am sure you can come up with dozens of great ideas nobody else would ever come up with. Make it your very own, adjusted to your own needs and your own style of being a couple.
And most of all, be patient. Don’t make irreversible decisions now, when you are under enormous stress or very angry. Remember: that too shall pass.
By Eva Sadowski Photo: Pexels / Pixabay NaN
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