In our society anger is quite often labeled as a “bad emotion”, something that has to be managed, controlled, expressed at the best, and then eliminated all together from our lives.
The social media are full of quotes about anger: “Anger is your biggest enemy. Control it”, “Anger is a weakness in an insecure personality”, ”Anger doesn’t solve anything, it builds nothing, but it can destroy everything”, “Stay away from anger, it hurts only you”…
And there are good reasons for treating anger this way. It could be very distractive, violent, even dangerous to us and to others.
But, as everything in life, anger has also another side, a very useful one. Anger could be our guide to finding ourselves, to understanding our values. It can lead us towards the things in our life that need to be changed.
According to Harriet Lerner, Ph.D (one of the best known and respected American relationship experts, the author of eleven books including “The Dance of Anger” which has sold 3 million copies and translated into 35 languages) anger is not “bad” it is a tool for change, it provides clarity.
“Anger is a signal, and one worth listening to. Our anger may be a message that we are being hurt, that our right are being violated, that our needs or wants are not being adequately met, or simply that something it’s not right. Our anger may tell us that we are not addressing an important emotional issue in our lives, or that too much of our self – our beliefs, values, desires, or ambitions – is being compromised a relationship.”
(The Dance of Anger, 1992, chapter 1, page 1)
Anger doesn’t always look the same. Quite often it comes out as tears, sadness, physical symptoms, depression. Especially for women because of societal programming. Women are not supposed to get angry, they have to be “sugar and spice and everything nice”.
Women who express anger are calling “bitches”, “witches”, “hags”, “nags”, “ball-crashers”, etc.
Anger is much more accepted in men. They are considered “assertive” or “strong”. Unless, they become violent; then their anger is “bad” too.
When you get angry, start with asking yourself what is going on for you inside. What are you upset about? What important value of yours has been just violated? What boundary crossed? Focus on yourself and your feeling; not on the trigger that sparked your anger. Have you felt the similar feeling before? When? What does it remind you of? If necessary, remove yourself from the situation that upset you.
Once you calm down and answer all the above questions, think what needs to be done differently next time; what do you need to clarify with the person that triggered your anger; what has to be addressed and changed?
Don’t brush it aside. Anger is not “bad”, the way you express or use it might be “bad”. Anger is an emotion. The same emotion as joy, fear, sadness. If you suppress your anger, you also suppress all the other emotions; you lose passion and curiosity in your life.
By Eva Sadowski Photo by Greg / Pexels
Leave a Reply