There is a lot of confusion and misunderstanding about judging a person as a whole and judging a person’s behaviour. I am finding myself explaining the difference over and over again to my clients and getting an: “Oh, I see, I have never thought of it this way” at the end of my explanation.
So, here it is again. Hope it will clear out some doubts for you.
The confusion comes most likely from our very early days in the family of origin. As children, we cannot see the difference between the person and their behaviour. Nor have we the mental capacity to distinguish between the two.
Let’s say a young child spills some food on the table and a parent says: “look what you did! You are a bad boy!” I am pretty sure that the parent doesn’t really mean it literally. They are just letting the child know that what he did was unacceptable and needed to be corrected. However, the child takes it literally. He cannot see the connection between spilling the food and being a “bad boy”. All they hear is “you are a bad boy”.
When we are very young and dependent on our parents’ love for survival a simple word of judgement may feel like a total disaster and a threat to our existence. We cannot survive on our own; we would do anything to get our parents’ love and approval back. So, we are trying our best to be a “good boy” and a “good girl”. We don’t think about correcting our behaviour; we are trying to be a better person to deserve to be loved again.
It usually happens after drinking too much, dealing with some jerk at the office, or being so tired it’s hard to walk straight, much less do anything else. Many years forward: imagine that someone criticizes your action or your behaviour for any reason. They may say: “This is not how you do a particular thing, you have to do it differently”. They don’t really talk about you as a person, they judge your action. However, what you may hear is “look what you did! You are a bad boy/girl!”
Sounds familiar? There is a possibility that it happened to you many times before. The simple word of criticism brings back a horrible feeling of being a “bad boy/girl” and losing your parent’s love and approval. You don’t depend on anybody’s love for survival anymore, you are not going to vanish without them, but the feeling is still the same as before when you still did. This is why you may react to the criticism so strongly.
What can you do about it? Well, first of all, realize where the feeling comes from. Then ask yourself: “what is the person really telling me? Are they judging me as an individual, or they are disagreeing with my action? What does it mean to my existence?”
You may take the suggestion of doing things differently and correct your action, or not. You may learn something new and useful, or just forget the whole thing and move forward with no consequences. The “whole thing” has nothing to do with you as a person: it’s only about your action or behaviour. You are still the same. Not a “bad boy/girl”; you are the very same you, who made a mistake or a poor choice. That’s all.
By Eva Sadowski
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